||[28 Aug 2005|07:45pm]
I couldn’t go on with this any longer, my vision was far too blurred by the blood loss and the alcohol. Everything floated in a tender reddened haze, which seemed quite beautiful. My fingers were loosing their grip on the switchblade though, letting it fall to the floor, with a loud clatter. I swayed, putting my lips to the open cuts on my arm, sucking at the blood, in a half conscious attempt to satisfy the burning thirst at the back of my throat. I felt sick; I fell on my knees, trying not to throw up. I hated throwing up, ever since I was little kid; I though that throwing up would make me die right there and then. But I was dying, wasn’t I? My consciousness was slipping; my head hit the cold tile, the iciness burning against my temple.
It was almost a year ago. I lay with his arms wrapped around me, breathing in the scent of his hair. I opened my eyes, looking into the hazed over apartment typical to a college student. The air was filled with the sweet scent of marijuana that was passed around in a small glass pipe, along with a now almost finished bottle of grape pucker. I looked up, to see Hannah’s slim figure in the back of the room, an expertly held syringe in her hand. I had told her before that she shouldn’t do that shit, but she didn’t really care. Her boyfriend, a tall sixteen year old with brown curls sat besides her, still holding the bent spoon. He was laughing quietly, he loved watching her shoot. I bent my head to kiss Adrian; his hazed brown eyes stared back at me. He was too high, we all were, it wasn’t too hard here. His brother was twenty-three, which made him able to get us all alcohol, and pot wasn’t that hard to buy.
The air around us stunk heavily with a mix of pot, sex and sweat, and the burning lighter under the bent spoons. I breathed in harshly, and threw my head back, letting the warm liquid surge through my throat, passing the bottle down to whoever was sitting beside me. I turned to look at Hannah, but she was gone. Probably off to fuck her boyfriend, or some other guy, basically whoever could get her heroin. I closed my eyes again; I was beginning to slip away from reality, which felt rather nice really.
A soft touch of lips against mine brought me back to me senses. A girl’s mouth, softer, more delicate, more provocative. I kissed back mindlessly. Lizbeth’s voice hissed into my ear. She put the glass marijuana pipe to my lips. I didn’t like pot, it was gross, I didn’t like smoking in general. I wasn’t that much of a druggie, really, occasional coke, but then it was all about alcohol and sex. Adrian was not much worse, and although he had shot a few times, he didn’t like it much. Lizbeth’s pierced tongue licked against my skin. “ Screw off,” I muttered, I hated it when she used my drugged up condition to mess with me. Her tongue continued licking the side of my face, drawing back down to my lips. I kissed her reluctantly, thinking it was much easier to give in than to protest.
The sink and blood were gone, I couldn’t see too well though. I heard distant voices; they were talking about me, weren’t they? I was in trouble, I wasn’t supposed to try and kill myself. I reached out to feel my arm; it was all bandaged up carefully. Why the fuck did they do this? I could kill myself if I wanted to, then why were they trying so hard to stop me? I really got far this time, but I guess I didn’t lock the door or something stupid, too drunk to do that. I was hung over now, my head ached. I hated all of them, trying to make me “better.” I sighed and decided not to open my eyes just yet. Maybe if I lied very still they would all go away.
Adrian and me were lying in his brother’s bed. Only we had the privilege of fucking there. I knew that my parents would be here soon, and I should probably put on my clothes, so that Adrian could walk me outside, and we could both pretend to be sober. He rolled over, kissing me, his naked chest pressing against mine. “ I love you baby,” he whispered. Satan, we were so high. A nock on the door brought me somewhat to my senses. I drew the blanket over the two of us, and told whomever to come in. Hannah staggered into the room, her short brown hair hanging wet over her face, like she had just gotten out of a pool. She looked completely wasted. Adrian hugged me to him, sitting up. Hannah sat down on the side of the bed, swinging her legs onto the blanket. She still had ragged marks from where she had shot, since she never bandaged them.
“ Babe, why do you do that?” I asked, reluctantly pointing to her arm.
“ Yeah, seriously? Why in hell’s name do you need it?” Adrian said, his voice cold and rigid.
“ You both are sounding like my mother!” she screamed, “ I came to talk to ya’ll and you start your lecture!”
“Hannah, baby, it’s okay,” I said, reaching out to touch her shoulder, “What did you want to talk about?”
“ Do you have any money on you?” she asked, her eyes darting, “ Like, twenty bucks or so?”
“ No,” we lied in unison, of course we had money, but not for her heroin.
“ Yeah, I’m broke,” Adrian, said, laying back.
“ Oh, by the way, your mom is here,” Hannah, said to me.
“ Oh, fuck, baby, I gotta run,” I kissed him and began dressing quickly, as he watched me. I felt his eyes run over my figure from the back. I swayed.
“ Get dressed,” I said; turning to him, scanning the room for my bra, “ You will walk me down, won’t you?”
“Sure,” he got out from under the blanket, and got dressed, or rather put on his blue jeans. We went down, my mother silver Toyota that stood in front of the house. Adrian kissed me goodbye on the forehead and I ran to the car and shut the front seat door behind me.
This time I they won’t bother me. Don’t they understand that I want this to end, that I don’t want to live? I need to call Hannah though, if she is still alive, she shoots a lot now, she’s addicted, I hate it. She calls me sometimes to ask for money, I never give it to her, she’ll spend it on the heroin again. I touch my arm mindlessly, my eyes are still shut, it feels good to be alone, to be in the dark, but my arm hurts so much. I really should call Hannah. I sit up, my eyes still shut, my head spins violently, I really lost a lot of blood this time, too much, way to faint to think. I shake my head, trying to get rid of the on rolling nausea. I reach for my cell phone; it’s there, beside my bed, like always. Scrolling through the contacts list I find her number, and lazily press the button. The glare from the phone hurts my eyes and I shut them tight, not letting the light in.
“ Hannah, baby, you there?”
“ Oh, hey!” her voice explodes from the receiver. She’s not shot up; I’d like to think it’s just for me. I miss her the way she used to be, the way we all used to be.
We are on the swing set, and she is pushing hard off the ground, while I just sit there, my feet flat on the earth, and I gaze at her with blurred eyes. The only thing I can actually think of is Adrian and she hates me for it, but I miss him so much that it hurts. I look up into the sky; the sun is setting in the west, the line of horizon hidden from me by the many trees. It’s going to be dark soon and we’ll have to go home, my house, and sit in candle light on my porch and talk about stupid things and I can paint her face Goth and take pictures and we’ll giggle. She doesn’t shoot yet, not something she’s into, we smoke a joint together, passing it back and forth between out lips, making a game of taking it from the other’s mouth. Yeah, it’s stupid, but it’s fun.
She is kissing me now, and I don’t know why. I think we had a little too much to drink. Her brown hair is tickling my face as she leans in her tongue against my ear. Why is she doing that? I just smile and lay back on the bed, falling into a daze.
I am awakened by her hands at my collar; she is sitting on top of me in a straddle, her legs at my sides, he face really close to mine. She is so close that I can feel her breath on my lips and eyes. It’s hot and flushed with the smell of the alcohol that we had earlier. It seems a distant memory, passing the bottle back and forth and taking long greedy drinks. I breathe her air, lightly, taking it in as she exhales. She is laughing against my face, she thinks its funny. What is?
“ Hannah, why are you laughing?” for some reason I feel like I have to say her name, maybe she’ll disappear if I don’t.
She just laughs harder, she doesn’t like answering my stupid questions; after all, they are very stupid. I push her off of me, so she is lying beside me, my arm reaches out to cradle her shoulders, I want to fall asleep like this, I love holding someone as I sleep, even if it’s just a friend, it still feels wonderful. I feel a small shock pass through my arm. I look at her as she bites my finger.
“ You’re funny,” she says coolly, and bites my finger again.
“ I’m sorry,” I say, at loss of words, after all, I do say I’m sorry too often.
“I like you for being funny,” she mutters, now like a child falling asleep.
“ Oh, thanks, I guess,” I’m beginning to feel sober and somewhat sleepy. I close my eyes.
She settles against me, curling into my arm. She mutters something, it must be goodnight. I close my eyes and slip out again, this time the sleepiness can take over and we can wake up hours later, maybe even feel like its morning. After all, we are just girls, we were just having fun.
“ Lil, Lilith, you still there?” her voice echoes against the walls of my scull as it rings from the receiver.
“ Yeah, sorry, I drifted off,” I say, my voice flat as ever.
“ You try to do it again?” she asks quietly, this is one of the moment where she cares, she is one with her mind, she knows there is something wrong.
“ Yeah, but it’s okay, it’s okay, really, don’t worry about me, it doesn’t matter,” I am mixing up my words.
“ Shut up!” her voice is strong, I haven’t heard it so strong is such a long time; it’s been slurred and broken by the heroin.
“ Shut up, don’t you dare do it, don’t you dare!” she is screaming and I hate her for it, doesn’t she understand my head hurts, why is she screaming.
“ But… you can’t stop me, it’s my choice, I don’t want to…” I feel like I am explaining to a small child, she cuts me off.
“ No, you can’t, I won’t let you, you can’t!” I think she is crying, but I am not sure, I am trying to determine if I care, but my head hurts too much, I can’t tell, can’t really think strait.
“ I’m sorry, let’s not talk about it,” I mumble, my lids are heavy and I want to lay back and sleep some more, “ I have to go,” I say idly, “ I love you, I love you, Bye…” I trail off and shut the phone.
Adrian is going faster and faster and I am screaming and I don’t care if his brother will hear. His name is on my lips, but I can’t really hear myself, all I hear it his short gasps.
“ Oh, fuck! Satan! Come on, look at me!” he yells into my eyes, but I barely hear him.
He always wants me to look at him when he fucks me, he says it’s because he’s had girls imagining other guys in them. I wouldn’t and he knows it. He just says it bothers him. I force my eyes open, this is the least I can do for him. But I can’t keep them open, I always shut my eyes when I climax, and my head rolls to the left. His hand catches my chin roughly and holds it still, he wants to look at me when he comes. I guess it think it’s sweet and that’s why I allow it. He lies on top of me for a while, aftershocks pass gently over his skin and I take them in. He pulls out and rolls off, his face by mine, reaching to kiss me.
“ You guys done yet, I want my bedroom back!” his brother’s voice rings from behind the door.
“ Hold on man, fuck, just a second,” Adrian shouts back, getting up to put on his jeans. I’m out of bed and wrapped in a black sheet, I don’t feel like getting dressed yet.
We stumble out and sit on the floor. He is kissing me and I think I’m flying.
My head doesn’t hurt as much now. There is still a throbbing ache left behind, but it’s not as bad. I should get up. My arm is still bandaged up, and it feels heavyand lifeless, but I know it isn’t, it’s just fine, it always is.